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Uno Reverse
If you had the misfortune of seeing my earlier entry where I whined about things that will cease to matter in the morning, my bad. Sorry. Now it's about to go down the route of "Lav recreationally drags himself through the mud as punishment for being dumb". It's a really funny way to say I'm going to sit back and word vomit pure depression because it makes me want to peel out of my skin and pretend I'm someone else for a while.Fair warning, I meant it when I said pure depression.
A lot of my nostalgic pining is a symptom of depression but in a more roundabout way. I don't want to go back into the past because it was any better than today. It was worse, actually. So much worse. I just don't want to wake up anymore. I've sunk so far and so low that I don't even feel sad about it. I wake up, look in the mirror, and realize I don't care any more about anything much at all. There is nothing in me worth preserving. No life, no love, nothing. I don't want to disappear or die, I'm not suicidal, I just want an out. I want to get out of my head, my body, and my life. Some part of me thinks if I could time travel, maybe I can accomplish that in some odd way by becoming someone else in a time I didn't get to experience as an adult. I could play FFX on launch and maybe I'd feel something other than pain and sadness. It hit a pretty raw nerve.
I don't get to talk about this feeling much at length with anyone ever. It makes people cry for me and then I feel something awful instead. It's a deep ache that pushes me to the point where I do start to wish I could just disappear. I don't want anyone to cry for me. I don't even want to be here. When people cry for me, I am here and I am too real. This body is real. My problems are real. I bury myself in meaningless game content because it gets me out of my head. It keeps me on the straight and narrow because living is hard.>>